Megalomaniacs Herne 2 - Torpedo Entenhausen 6

I got a bit fed up of writing how Torpedo Entenhausen kept throwing away leads, so I "forgot" to write posts of our last two defeats. Tonight we did the opposite, and recovered from a 2-0 deficit to win clearly.

The reason for the poor start was only having eight players because we thought the kick-off was at eight and not half past seven. The opposition were considerate and only had nine men at the start, despite correctly adjudging the kick-off time. More tellingly, they never got the full eleven players on the pitch.

I ran a lot, and dribbled so much that people told me to pass the ball earlier. This has never happened to me in my footballing life. I've always been a "hoof it up front" kind of player. The Germans call this Kick and Rush, but I can't find or remember any english person using this phrase. I think they call it the long ball game or direct football.

Tonight I also headed some goal kicks in the right direction. When I first played last year they used to bounce off randomly but mostly backwards. Tonight one of my headers from the centre circle went straight back to our striker, Axel, who stuck it past the keeper for one goal towards his hat-trick.

Sheep on the Line

People in Britain, and especially the press, are always amused and amazed when the railway is obstructed by foreign objects. The good old "X on the line" headline is rolled out. X stands "leaves" in the autumn, but in other seasons can stand for other object. Whatever the obstruction is, it gives cause for mockery of the second-rate railway in Britain. Everyone then agrees that this kind of thing wouldn't happen in civilised countries like Germany.

Well, last night a high-speed train on the Hamburg-Munich line hit a flock of 20 sheep and derailed inside a tunnel. A spokesman for the federal police in Koblenz explained that "It is an everyday event that a deer or a sheep is caught on the line and hit by a train", but that the unusually large number of sheep caused the train to derail. I wonder if there a german phrase, "To follow like sheep?"

This is of course not a new problem. Steam trains used to have a Cowcatcher on the front for such occasions. These have fallen out of fashion, which is a shame. It would be fun to see how far a sheep would be propelled by a 200km/h train fitted with a cowcatcher.

The Irish had another solution: On Irish rural lines one of the duties of the fireman "included pelting coal lumps at sheep on the line."

A rural line in Shropshire took a more relaxed approach.

One day, while travelling along the line, her train, which ran slowly enough at the best of times, juddered to a halt.She leaned out of the window and asked the driver what the problem was.

"Sheep on the line," came the reply.

After a few minutes the train started again, only to grind to a halt after a few hundred yards. "What's up this time," asked our impatient passenger.

"We've caught up the sheep,"

ps. Keen followers of my descent into denglish will like to know that I first wrote a "herd of sheep", but then noticed that it wasn't right. Germans have a herd of sheep, looked after by a sheep-herder. The English have shepherds who watch their flocks.

Lost in Bochum

The only map which I have of Bochum is cheap, small and inaccurate. I came to this conclusion while stood with my bicycle in a muddy field with a muddy dog jumping up my trouser leg. I was looking for the road which, according to my map, connects Prinz-Regent Strasse with Springorumallee. I can report that this road doesn't exist.

While lost, I took a photographs of a partially dismantled railway which, according to my unreliable map, used to connect the east of Bochum to the River Ruhr in the souch via the Opel factory. It made me feel at home.

Bicycle

I have acquired an old bicycle from a juggling friend. I had to spend 11 Euros (a bell in the form of a teapot and a stand to stop it falling over) to make it roadworthy. The bicycle has five gears but no gear lever. I went to a bicycle shop to ask for a new lever, but the guy didn't have one and couldn't order one. He thoughtfully changed the gear from second to third by giving the shifter a pull, and told me to dismount and push it back in if I ever found myself at the bottom of a big hill. He claimed that one-gear bicycles were all the rage this season, but might have been taking the piss.

I feel much better when I cycle than went I get the tram. Cycling requires movement, responsibility and has an element of danger, whereas getting the tram requires sitting around, which I do too much.

Sell yourself

Self-Marketing is the key. Be pro-active. Take the initiative. I'm trying to look for a job and am finding it scary. I'm feeling depressed and about to cry.

I read a book about references today and it got me thinking too much about my last job. I've been better since I left and I've not thought about it at all. The book said I should fight for my right for a good reference, but I don't want to. I want a reference that says "Mr. endofphil came unprepared into the job, was unable to master life's basics such as eating and sleeping, showed a complete lack of interest for anything whatsoever and subsequently spent 6 months staring into space. His only lasting impression was drunkenly juggling lots of mandarines at the christmas party."

I need a job to recover my self esteem, but it's hard to get one when you don't think you can do anything. I will go and see the employment agency tomorrow, explain this, and ask for help.

More on King Franz

Eighteen months after you read it on endofphil, the British press have finally got in on the story.

Ernst Schad 4 - Torpedo Entenhausen 3

No Bundesliga report is complete without a mention of the "Werkself". Literally "factory eleven", it refers to the team of Leverkusen, who are backed by pharmaceutical giants Bayer.

The spare time league of Bochum now has it's own Werkself: Ernst Schad is a leading manufacturar of cogwheels and is based in the neighbouring city of Dortmund. The company proudly claims that it is

Certified by the DNV according to EN ISO 9001:2000

and I'm sure we all know what that means.

The Bochumer Cliche reports:

The factory eleven suffered from teething troubles in the first half, but after a 3-1 half-time deficit they stepped up a gear and had Torpedo on the rack. The 4-3 decider was a typical clutch goal.

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A football related story from the Daily Telegraph, about some posh totty getting a cab to the wrong Stamford Bridge. When I studied in York I cycled to the Yorkshire Stamford Bridge. It was a very nice little village, but could have used a few marauding vikings to add realism to the battle site.


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