Your speed is 10km/h

I'm tired out today, probably because I had stomach pains yesterday and the day before. As soon as anything is wrong with my stomach I get very quickly depressed, so don't read this if you want cheering up.

For some reason or other my legs have stopped working properly. I have the feeling that I've run a marathon, or cycled lots, but I've done sod all. This morning I had trouble walking up a flight of stairs, and I needed a break after 10 steps. On the way to the shop I was clocked by the "check your speed" device at 10km/h. Even if you can't do metric, this is slow. It's not just that there is no strength in my legs, there is also no coordination. Every five steps or so one foot jumps out at an odd angle, and I have to stop, check where I wanted to go to, and start off again.

After lunch I went home for an afternoon nap, which helped a bit, but not too much. On the way home for the second time I was overtaken by five people, none of whom looked particularly to be in a rush.

The highlight of the day was being almost knocked off my bicycle by some blind bitch. Honestly it was, I got to swear and point and look indignated, and it was the only thing I've done properly all day long. I'm pissed off, so I'll force myself to eat something, then try to go to sleep.

Wise words

I didn't mean for this to turn into a two-days-late world-cup blog, but I must quote from my good self, one post down:

It seems that they [England] have finally got the hang of nutritional advice

Balls and hats

I bought an all-rubber cricket ball over the internet yesterday, which hopefully will look a bit like the one in the picture. This is called thinking ahead. Of course football is all the rage at the moment, but it only takes one defeat and it's all over. England are preparing for their match against Ecuador, and it seems that they have finally got the hang of nutritional advice, too, a full week after I sort of did. It's rather hot in Germany, and here are the wise words of Sven-Goran Eriksson:

'Maybe the conditions will suit Ecuador better, but there are things we can do too, things we are already doing, in fact. Drinking enough fluid is the most important, not just a couple of hours before the game but starting a couple of days before the game. Eating the right meals is important, too, but not as important as drinking.'

If they had any sense, and if FIFA rules allowed it, they would also be wearing a hat. I guess that for the centre-backs it could be a bit of a hindrance, but David Beckham would definitely be better off swinging in his crosses with a straw hat on. I bought a very nice wide-brimmed Stetson sun hat from "Hut Broemmer", and can confirm that it is a most useful device.

So the hatless English will probably wilt in the heat, and lose to those damned sun-burnt Ecuadorians who are used to those tropical temperatures of, how hot does it get in Quito again? Oh 19.4 +- 0.6 degrees.

Publication

I am in the process of writing a paper about what I did for my PhD thesis. I have been rather slow in writing until now, but this week I actually wrote some stuff. To be honest I had written sod all between the start of March and now, but the gap is quite useful.

Firstly I have forgotten what I wrote in the thesis, so now I can go back and check if it made sense or not. Most of the time (but not always) it does. Secondly the rest of the group (unless they are reading this blog) will be so surprised that I finally got round to writing something that they will hopefully put their names immediately to whatever I might happen to write.

A Time-honoured Tradition

Today, children, we will learn about nutrition. Now we all know that a healthy diet is important, and that drinking too much and eating fast food is bad for you, but sometimes the consequences are not immediately clear. Say, for example that you drink beer all afternoon, and fill up on a Kebab and chips. The chances are that you will survive this piece of foolishness, your liver will sort out the booze and you'll burn off the fat soon enough, and continue your life apparently none-the-worse.

Of course after a while you might lose the odd organ (I am missing the gall-bladder), but then it is hard to know exactly what caused this. Was it the wine and beer, or the fish and chips, or the turkey twizzlers, or too many hamburgers? Maybe something worse would have happened if you'd been eating salad the whole time.

Well this weekend I did some experiments on nutrition and sport. On Friday I went cycling with beer and kebab and chips lingering in my stomach from the night before. Until 20 miles I was feeling fine. I then got a cramp in one leg. After 30 miles I ate a salad (things were that bad!). After 40 miles I was suffering badly from the heat, and couldn't think quite straight. After 50 miles I was home and kaputt. Some guiding voice inside my head told me to eat lots of Spaghetti Bolognese, after which I fell asleep.

The next day I cycled 80 miles, despite the legs being a bit tired from the day before, and I felt a damn sight better. I then ate more Spagetti Bolognese, and cycled another 50-odd miles on Sunday.

So right now I have a new-found respect for my digestive system. It's quite amazing to think that a plate of Spaghetti Bolognese can propel you to the top of a big hill. It looks so static and splodgy (well mine did), and I can't imagine how anyone would ever think of getting huge amounts of energy out of it. It's an impressive feat, and I should imagine that the amazement is even greater on the side of the plate of Spaghetti Bolognese. One minute it's sitting there minding it's own business, the next it's being used as fuel by some idiot with a bicycle.

And before I forget, greetings to the two idiots with bicycles from Berlin who put me up to these trips. And thanks to "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" for the picture.

England 2 - Trinidad and Tobago 0

I'm a bit late on this one, but what the heck. I had a ticket (thanks Fabian again) for England against the "Soca Warriers" from Trinidad and Tobago. I could give you a match report, but there is no way that it would be as good as this one.

I can confirm that whilst some of the english fans were recounting the events of the second world war, and discussing the politics of Northern Ireland, the fans from the Caribbean really were singing

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down. BREK it down! BREK it - down!

So England progress without playing particularly well, and the brave soca warriers from little old Trini... [NOTE FROM EDITOR: Rest of post removed for being too damned patronising. The days of your British Empire are over Mr. Endofphil]

Deutschland 1 Polska 0

Germany beat Poland with an injury-time winner this evening. Almost the whole flat here and the flat below turned up in Berto's pub afterwards to celebrate/commiserate. In total we comprised five poles and three germans, plus the odd englishman.

Germany deservedly won the football match, but the Poles remain undefeated when it comes to drinking Vodka. They also won the best chant competition (in my eyes) for "We're going to steal your cars". The Germans seem to be rather chuffed at beating Poland for some reason. This whole business is probably quite important in terms of new europe, and the increasing importance of Germany's neighbours to the east, but I'm drunk and I'm going to go to sleep, so I'll leave that as a point for you to ponder over.

WM

You may well have noticed that a certain football tournament is underway. Due to a combination of this and the erlangen beer festival I have been rather slow in updating this blog. Since the last update I went for a bicycle ride, drank lots of beer and watched lots of football, so everything is alright.

Even the usually xenophobic drunken English fans have turned into weltbuergerlicher drunken English fans. I quote from that bastion of reasonable thought and openness, the british tabloid: "The Sun".

Basking — like England — in the middle of a heatwave, Germany is heaven for footie followers now.

Huddersfield fan Paul Braithwaite, 39, who is sharing a VW camper van with two mates, said: “Everyone is drinking loads but behaving. The Germans have been laid back and the policing is low-profile. Right now, there is no better place on Earth.”

Is it worth the aggravation?

Yesterday I went for a round-table discussion with a leading consulting firm. I swear that I didn't just lift the following exchange from a Dilbert cartoon.

Boss: The job's not easy, and has long hours. For the first two years, you don't see much of your friends or family, which can be painful.

Potential Applicant: And after two years it gets better?

Boss: Oh yes. You still work the same hours, but you've forgotten what your friends and family looked like.

Shortly (well about an hour) after this I walked out, explaining that I had an urgent appointment in a beer garden.

Forchheim

125 km and 1.5 litres of beer was the sum of yesterday's cycling and beer-drinking efforts. The trip took me to Bamberg, where I saw off Henning, who is cycling to Hamburg after several days of careful preparation.

On the way to Bamberg I passed through Forchheim, and more importantly through the small village of Hausen. The residents of Hausen, apparently, believe that Pontius Pilate was born there, either in house number 48 or 73. I suppose that you can forgive them a few lost details in the 2000 years which have passed. Before the fact can become universally acknowledged, though, the Forchheimers will have to fight it out with the Fortingallers, who are equally convinced that Pontius Pilate was scottish.

Forchheim is otherwise of note for holding off the might of the swedish army during the 30-years war, during which they earned themselves the nickname "the wall shitters", a name best left unexplained. They achieved their military success despite having possibly the least imposing coat-of-arms ever, with not just one but two rather bored-looking trout.

Bergkirchweih

The Erlangen beer festival has come to town. I can't take my beer, and need a day off after each visit. It's not as though I get roaring drunk, I just feel hung over the next day, and need an early night with a cup of cocoa.

Anyway, "beer leads to hangover shock" is probably not worth writing about. The beer festival here attracts thousands of visitors from all over the world (the good thing about being hung over is that you can make up random facts without feeling guilty about it), and this year it brought Wouter and Uli, who may or may not be reading this. In a supreme example of inhospitality I invited them for a curry at my place. The trouble was that they only got to eat the curry after bringing the missing ingredients, chopping everything up and (this is the good bit) unblocking our bathroom sink.

I may make this a regular deal. In our flat we have quite a few things to fix, so if you are feeling hungry and have some kind of plumbing/floor laying/painting qualifications just send me a comment, and I will see what can be done.

Stern-Gerlach results

The first results for the Stern-Gerlach experiment are in. Our data production has been rushed through, and the results have been analysed. The data transmission from the experimental area to the main site (my office) was found to be rather slow. The exact rate was 0.144 MB per minute, but could be doubled if I didn't stop for a coffee on the way over with my floppy disk.

Anyway, here are the results: The black points show the profile of an atomic beam as the detector is slowly moved across the beam. I pushed the detector by hand, so you can't really compare the positions of the maxima for the four measurements. The width of the beam is a couple of millimetres. When the inhomogeneous magnetic field is turned on by passing a current through the electromagnet the beam is split into two. You would expect that the two beams have the same intensity, but one is always larger than the other: maybe something is cutting the beam off for positions in the left of the plot. The next step will be to reattach a motor which moves the detector automatically, and to check the alignment of all the components.