Something I should have done a while ago.

The only thing I managed to do today was to go to a psychotherapist. There are two reasons that I made this appointment, and one of them is a bit embarassing. The first is my failure to go about getting a job in any kind of sensible manner. I just can't keep a positive mindset long enough to go through the process of reading an advertisement, writing an application, going for an interview and then accepting a job. I've got a CV which would suggest a job involving complicated physics stuff or some kind of responsibility or importance, and I generally don't feel up to it.

Possible jobs (I just opened up an old Physikjournal) include working with an "intense optical fs-laser in two-colour pump-probe experiments" or "non-equilibrium phenomena in multiphase flow through porous media"

This kind of stuff scares the shit out of me. Some other jobs require that you are "Belastbar": able to work under pressure, and I'm not. The second and real reason that I went to a psychotherapist is because of the England cricketer Marcus Trescothick. A couple of weeks ago he decided that touring Australia swinging a piece of wood was too much for him, and I knew how he felt.

Here is a report from Geoffrey Boycott on Trescothick's departure, and I found the comment from Melanie most useful.

Burnout is not solely a mental fatigue it is physical, the body no longer has the physical resources to cope with demands being made upon it and this leads to the mental stress and illness. Gastro-intestinal illnesses are induced by the body’s constant demand on adrenalin to keep things going – high levels of adrenalin in the body cause a reduced blood-flow to the stomach and intestines, this in turn affects the body’s ability to absorb nutrients from food, which in turn affects the body’s ability to renew its resources.

As far as I can work out this is what happened to me two years ago. I pushed myself too far in my PhD and broke down completely. Sleeplessness, depression, stomach pains, an ear infection and a general feeling of exhaustion and worthlessness. Now I'm alright, as far as it goes, but I'm scared to do anything with my life. I also still get really nervous whenever I'm woken up by a telephone. So I'll book an appointment for a therapy course on Monday.

The shrink asked me whether there had been a history of depression in the family. My honest answer is that I don't know. It's not the kind of thing we really talked about, and the only way I'd have known is if a relative had blown their head off, which they haven't, so I guess things can't have been that bad. This design for life probably explains why I haven't taken this step earlier, but I can't think of any good reason for not doing it now.